This breaking apart,
this splintering, 
you feel and fall in
so deeply. 
This is not 
the sad shattering 
of mere glass
but is the shifting 
of tectonic plates. 
Of ancient Earth
bearing new lands.

at grandma's house
we learnt to play 
only hide, no seek.
A simple game
only words, all actions
side lined if not aligned
with the previously prescribed.

at grandma's house
tear stricken boys
weren’t ever taken seriously,
told to stop lying as
they choked on their sobs,
with no one left to hold
them in ways 
that wouldn’t mark. 

at grandmother's counter
everyone gulped down 
warm pints of pretence.
Shared with neighbours
round the fire the
thick smoke choked women.
Many hacking out lies
that went down easy like wine 
and often turned into beaming 
bloody smiles.

a soft 
huh huh 
into the hand 
quick check
of the breath 
coz mumzies
just come back
can’t make it
seem like 
you’ve been laying 
in bed drowning in
sorrows found 
at the bottom of a bottle of rum. 

Your reflection?
There she is,
staring back at you
saying, you look just
like her at 28
but you ain’t sure
sounds like grounds
for a paternity test 
at the very least.
I mean,
have you seen that man? 
What a fucking waste.

That’s enough thinking,
take another swig
knock it back
lay down
stop trying
to figure it all out. 
Whether he is or he isn’t 
isn’t the real question now 
it’s whether you'll weather
this storm without doubt 
and hold strong.

Believe it’ll all work out
in the end.

You’ll see that
you’re not a copycat 
of him or her. 
you’re a writer

Every part divine creator
and yes, this part?
might be rough 
but you’re allowed 
many, many final
final, final, drafts.

In the end, I shall begin
by saying thank you, my being.

For: allowing my humanness to be messy and imperfect and raw and tender and every thing.

For :experiencing existence by being, believing and protecting me. 

For: directing my gaze to the stars and ever finding joy in me.

For: exploring the unnamed, unloved and untended fearlessly and never with a story but always curiosity. All ways saving me.

Thank you my being for reminding me 
I am spirit first and my core is love.

Thank you my being. 

For: being here in your entirety.

I saw my neighbour the other day
And when I asked him how he was 
He pointed an accusing finger 
At the window and exclaimed that 
He’s trying his best
(bro, have you seen the weather?)

He asked me then, 
How am I?
And after I said “fine”
We laughed and laughed 
(I’m honestly not sure why)
Finally, said our goodbyes

And only then did I realise
I forgot to tell him the 
Whole Truth (just nothing but lies) 
Of how I am (A blessing in disguise, you’ll see why)

Because I almost said
That I’ve been down too 
Blue light reaching you
Late in the afternoon
Not first thing like when it’s a normal thing
Is a very sorry affair

I wanted to tell him that 
It doesn’t make sense

That I wake to find 
The day is somehow 
Already long and demanding 
Of my life force and senses
No softness at it’s entrance
Just demanding my everything
my and my pain, my body and my money
God. So much money
Or is it, not enough money? 
And then there we go again!

Round and round!
But not so merry,
Is the truth

I really wanted to tell him.

That I’ve been taking these
really…
l o n g
d e e p
breaths.

Like on some level 
I’m afraid.

I’ll forget the motion of it all 
and the gates will swing wide open 
And feral fears will rack through my fields 
Leaving behind bloodied sheep

(You see, honestly, how could I say that?)
These days 
There are more moments
Than I care to admit that
I don’t want to be here?
That, 
I’m scared too 
That 
This will all end at my own hand.
(Surely, I’d have to apologise for saying this?)

But I should have told him
Not shrugged instead 
It’s an easier way
but someone always pays.

I wish Claire
(my old neighbour)
had said it
Maybe, it would have saved her
And saved me from finding her like that.